This is what divorce looks like

Two weeks ago, my ex-wife and I spent 4 days on vacation with our 7 year old son. We had an amazing time, and guess what; there was ZERO drama, no arguments and not even a disagreement! When I share this with other divorced parents, the most common reactions is, "I could never do that." They usually go on to explain how intolerable their ex is.

People are quick to say they are dedicated and committed to their children, but draw the line at love and forgiveness; these are withheld as a passive-aggressive weapons of righteousness.

When my ex and I decided to separate, we were very intentional; we were committed to our child never having to choose between his mom and dad (begin with the end in mind). We were committed to our child knowing love, and not the fear, anger and angst that plagues so many divorces. We decided to write our own version of divorce. We weren't tied to the ordinary versions of how it was supposed to, or going to be. (As a side note, people want you to fail so they feel okay about their own paths, their own angers, their own insecurities and their own relationship addictions, and we knew this.)

One (of the many) things we let go of was the idea of who the other person needed to be. We had to let go of our expectations that people need to bend around us as a prerequisite to being happy. Once we got this, we stopping trying to be right at all costs and we let go of individual wins.

We put into practice that her win was my win and my win was her win. When we both win, our son wins. Read that again. It's important. When we're both winning, our son gets a life with his parents that actually works. See, it's not about us; it's about fulfilling on our commitment to our child.

To get there I had to accept who my ex was, and more importantly, who she wasn't. I had to understand that my happiness wasn't attached to who she was, even in the moments when who she was didn't work for me. I had to let go of my expectation that she had to bend around me. I had to learn this very important lesson; there is nothing wrong with her! There is nothing to fix! She is who she is and she isn't who she isn't. It's up to me to accept all those parts!

Here's a real life example; My ex is a very meticulous and detailed human being. She loves to plan and make things perfect. I'm very spontaneous and free-spirited. Being such, I held our relationship hostage under the story of, "She's not spontaneous." Once I created this story, I looked for evidence of it everywhere. She couldn't ask me to separate the trash without me being triggered! I made her love of details wrong. I made her wrong. The biggest hurdle for me was to recognize that I was responsible for creating this tension in our relationship. I had to stop resisting this aspect of her personality and let go of my story. When I did, our entire relationship shifted. Like literally in an instant.

The short answer to all this is, I had to own my bullshit and let go of my attachments. I had to let go of who I wanted her to be and of who I thought I needed her to be. I needed to celebrate all the parts of her. Again, this isn't easy work, but it's definitely worth it. Just ask my son, who told me last week while dancing around after breakfast, "I have the best life Daddy!"

I need everyone to know this type of relationship with your ex is possible! If your willing to take on your bullshit and recognize your problems aren't "out there," you're 75% of the way.

If anyone is struggling with this please reach out. I'm always available to help gain new and powerful insights to transform any and all parts of your life.

And because it's so important, I'm going to finish with this message again:

Transformation is never available as long as we live in and hold onto the past.

Step into your presence and create a life you love!

Cheers to waking up every morning stoked AF,

Chris